Empowering Yourself in an Abusive Relationship

Empowering yourself in an abusive relationship is not always easy, especially when the signs of emotional or psychological abuse are difficult to recognise.

I write about this because I personally experienced losing my power in a relationship and, through my work as a therapist, have encountered many women trapped in abusive relationships without the means or clarity to move forward.

During that unprecedented time when people were staying at home, often isolated because of Covid 19, many people found themselves in relationships where their personal power was compromised.

Abuse comes in many forms. When we think of abusive relationships, images of bruised and battered women often come to mind. However not all abuse is physical. Emotional abuse, psychological manipulation and controlling behaviour can be just as damaging. Sometimes the wounds we cannot see leave the biggest scars.

Physical wounds heal with time. Many emotional ones do not. And we are left feeling fragile and worthless. Many of us are unaware that verbal, emotional or financial abuse is the cause of our pain. But once you come to understand the types and cycles of abuse and how you can empower yourself, you can begin to regain your confidence, personal power and self esteem.

It Can Happen to You - My Abuse Story

I found myself in an abusive relationship with a man everyone thought was charming and behind closed doors he was frightening. When I met him I was confident, vivacious and had an interesting and stable life. Through charm and guile, he promised me the sun, moon and earth.

I fell for his sweet words and walked away from the life I had created and straight into a web of manipulation, emotional abuse and control that was nearly impossible to extract myself from. I had lost my confidence and sparkle and when it ended I felt lost and alone.

I took the next step and this led me on a journey back to me. In the process I created a new life where I help my clients live their best lives from personal experiences.

The Cycle of Abuse

Most people experience a honeymoon phase at the start of a relationship where each person is on their best behaviour. When this phase passes one might wonder if the characteristics of the other person are as wonderful as you initially thought.

Abusers are very conniving and the behaviour often develops gradually. It may begin with a few unexpected remarks that slowly become part of the relationship. By the time you realise what is happening, you might already feel deeply involved and unsure how to leave the abusive relationship.

With people being forced to be in an enclosed space with their significant others, abuse has escalated for many and some individuals find themselves living with a controlling or emotionally abusive partner.

5 Signs You Are in an Abusive Relationship

1) Criticism

In a healthy relationship two people want to build each other up and be the best version of themselves. If the other person regularly puts you down, criticises you, calls you names, belittles you and then makes a joke of it while not allowing you to get upset there might be a problem.

Constant criticism is a common sign of emotional abuse and can slowly damage your confidence and sense of self.

2) Gaslighting

“You are too sensitive”, “You are always so emotional”, “Can’t you take a joke?”

If someone keeps saying statements like this when you react they are purposefully criticising and trying to control you. The aim of the abuser is to switch the attention off their own behaviour, cause uncertainty and confusion and make you doubt yourself.

This behaviour is known as gaslighting, a psychological manipulation technique used by controlling partners.

3) Laying blame

When your partner verbally attacks you with their criticism and you dare to react they will never apologise. Instead you may be subjected to a verbal backlash where they make it seem it is your fault as you do not understand them. You are constantly told that you are the problem.

4) Walking on eggshells

If you are constantly worried that they might react if something is out of place or not to their liking, you find yourself always on edge, having to constantly be mindful of what you do and say.

Living in fear of a partner’s reaction is a strong indicator of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

5) Control

Every healthy relationship needs balance and boundaries and in an abusive relationship these boundaries are often removed as a means of control. These include:

• A partner wanting to know your every movement at all times of the day
• Setting rules about who you are allowed to speak to and when
• Having your pin number for your phone or accessing your messages or phone
• Accusing you of cheating, taking control of your life or making you question if you can manage your life without them
• Feeling fearful of doing something without their permission or fearing their anger

Taking Back Your Power

There are many side effects to living in an abusive relationship and one of the most confusing is not being able to view the situation with objectivity.

One of the most difficult challenges many people face is what to do in a situation that they cannot leave.

It is easy to judge and say we should all get out of abusive relationships and leave our worries behind. But whether for financial, emotional, religious, cultural or other reasons leaving an abusive partner is not always possible. Understanding the patterns of abuse and recognising the signs can be an important first step in reclaiming your power and rebuilding your self worth.

Abuse happens in every walk of life. If you are or know someone in a physically abusive relationship or you feel your life is threatened at any time please do not hesitate to seek immediate help. A Google search such as “help abusive relationship” or “women shelter near me” can help you find resources close to you that can support you.